FAQ

Let me take a moment to answer a few of your frequently asked questions.

How do you know so much about life, Amy?

Well you see, I fuck up a lot. That means I’m actually smarter than people who never fuck up. Because I learn more life lessons I’m practically a walking encyclopedia of what not to do. You’re welcome.

How big is the universe?

Really fucking big. If you want to know how fucking big I suggest you read Douglas Adams. He explains it a hell of a lot better than I can. He explains most things a hell of a lot better than I can. He’s also a much better writer than I am. So do yourself a favor, quit reading my blog and pick up a copy of Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy.

Are you more Star Wars or Star Trek?

Trick question, nerdos. I am a fan of both. But if you must know, I love Star Trek a wee bit more, TNG to be exact. In fact, I always wanted to name my first born Jean Luc. Alas, I am barren and there will be no captains spawned from my womb. My desolate, empty womb. Dammit, why do you assholes ask such emotional questions.

Who is Skippy and are you sure you are not clinically insane?

These two questions always come to me together. First, Skippy is my amazingly handsome imaginary lover who has been visiting me in my dreams for years. Sometimes he shows up with his children, other times he shows up with David Bowie. He is also known as The Dragon Man. He’s perfect because he lives inside my head. Which of course makes me perfectly sane. There. Now you have your answers.

What’s with this obsession with Frank Zappa?

This is a DUH question. Frank Zappa is a god. He created things beyond the imagining of anyone else of his time. And it is not obsession; it is extreme reverence for the music that Frank has gifted the world. How many times have you been able to deter a street thug from selling you used drugs out of his pocket with Justin Bieber lyrics? Exactly, Frank is the only man with lyrics bizarre enough to keep you safe from greasy, murdering, hoodlums.

When did you first know you were a goddess?

I first suspected my goddesshood at a young age. But I really did not embrace it until after my divorce in 1998. That is when I began studying kung fu. That’s right, Bruce Lee released my inner goddess. He was once very proud of me. I think he’s pissed at me now. But that is another question for another time. Suffice it to say, never piss off your dead heroes.

Who is Nurse Bitterpill?

Nurse Bitterpill is me and I am Nurse Bitterpill. She found me while I was toiling away in nursing school looking for a cynical old bitch to make it all seem worth it. And you know, Agnes Bitterpill and I have grown into quite the pair of cynical yet funny old bitches together.

Do you write anything better than terrible poetry?

No. I pretty much stick with writing shit. Once in a while something good emerges, but I try very hard to suppress any talent that may be lurking beneath the surface. There is plenty more terrible poetry to come.

When will you actually publish something you write?

That is a good question. If you are someone who publishes shit and want an old lady to write stories about magical grandmothers for you, give me a shout. Until then, it’s terrible poetry and poorly edited short stories for this blog. Nothing’s too haphazard for my beautiful readers.

What does Neil Gaiman’s pocket taste like?

If you remember correctly, it wasn’t Neil’s pocket I was eating. It was his pocket chocolate. And it was delicious dark melted chocolate from his breast pocket. Next time you see him, ask if he has any sweet confections melting in his pockets, I’m sure he’ll share. He’s that sweet of a guy.

Will there be a sequel to The Banana Sting? Will Danny Trejo be in the sequel?

Whoa, slow down hotshots. I really do hope so. That was one of the best dreams I ever had. He was like an Amy whisperer. Danny knew how to yell at me just right to get me to almost behave properly in a tense crime situation. And if I do get to stake out banana cream pies with Danny Trejo I will certainly let you know the moment it is happening. I bet he knows where all the best pies are kept.

How do you manage to stay so fucking sexy for such a complete dumbass?

It’s a tightrope for sure. But I stay sexy because I am sexy. Fucking sexy is a state of mind. Being a complete dumbass is just an added bonus for your viewing pleasure.